So this is a fairly putting-myself-out-there blog post but i'm guessing that a lot of you have at some point felt anxiety, depression and have been affected by your mental well-being so this may relate. Over the past 6 weeks, i really felt my thoughts and the way I was feeling being out of my control so i decided to talk to my closest folks and get support. By out of control, i mean that the way i responded to anything and everything was a worst case scenario mental twist (often/always unfit of the situation) even if it was something incredibly simple. And i knew, with time to breakdown each thought, that i could dig myself out of it, but you often don't have the time to when your work and everyday is surrounded by others who want instant feedback.. or simply expect a response immediately - something that isn't particularly easy to get right as someone with anxiety. Every thought would take reassurance and a period of digging myself out which gets exhausting. Welcome to my anxiety.
So what's next. Given the options, I chose to medicate (Propranolol 80grams to be exact) and the initial difference was black and white. I felt like i'd come up for air and fairly immediately my abilities to get through days and situations was just insane. As time has gone however, i noticed that although my ability to get through a day and my 'get it done' work was back to being prolific, i had a nonchalant confidence with my time spent worrying at a null. My creativity, however, was gone and lost for dead. That's because these pills don't let you feel. That's feel good or happy but they don't let you feel bad or anxious. They are an emotional holiday and emotion is what makes me good as a creative. All my work is about human relate-ability and narrative surrounding that. So these pills capped that- neither feeling up or down, you're just there.. robotically there.. functional, able to do things but your capacity to feel for the better is as capped as your ability to feel for the worse. It's a strange place to be but you're fairly unbothered by it.
It's my second day off the medication.. fingers crossed!